


The Broken Musketeers

by Ironkhaleesi



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Romance, Smut, Sorry Not Sorry, reader is sassy as fuck, so many feels, they're all fucking adorable
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-25
Updated: 2017-07-15
Packaged: 2018-08-17 06:17:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 20,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8133439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ironkhaleesi/pseuds/Ironkhaleesi
Summary: You're a morally flawed person, and yet Captain America is your best friend. In an attempt to teach you how to be a good person, Steve asks you to look after his friend Bucky while he's on a mission. Little did you know, Steve hadn't just wanted you to babysit a PTSD-ridden super soldier. He wanted you and Bucky to save each other.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I plan on making this a series but I have no idea how it's going to turn out, so I don't have a great summary for it yet. 
> 
> Because of this, I'm willing to take suggestions on where you guys would like to see the story go or what you'd like to see happen in it :)

When Steve opened the door of his apartment to see your smiling face and packed duffel bag, he felt the kind of relief he hadn’t felt since he found Bucky alive in that Hydra compound in the ’40s. 

You seemed to have that effect on him.

He would worry over Bucky and you would tell him exactly why he shouldn’t. Within half an hour, he would feel like he had a sense of control over his life again. He would believe Bucky was going to be okay and he would have an overwhelming sense of relief. All because he knew you had his back, and you would tell him the truth if you thought things weren’t going to be okay.

“I’m so glad you’re here,” Steve said softly as he moved to the side to let you in.

“You call, I come,” you said as you barged into his apartment and hurled your bag onto his couch. You turned to him with a lewd grin as he shut the door. “Of course, if you learnt about phone sex it could be a different kind of coming.”

A blush spread across his cheeks and he let out a short laugh as he scratched the back of his neck. “I thought we agreed you weren’t giving me 21st century sex advice.”  
You collapsed onto his couch beside your bag and kicked your feet up onto his coffee table. “No, you said I couldn’t and I ignored you.”

He nodded, trying to stifle the grin that was so obviously on his face. “Right. Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s how most of our agreements go.”

“See, now you’re catching on.”

He rolled his eyes and shook his head in begrudging acceptance. Not that he had much of a choice. He wasn’t an idiot, he knew what he was getting into when he became your best friend. You were refreshingly honest and you kept him on his toes. He needed a no-bullshit-friend in a bullshit world.

Sam and Natasha were great friends, but Sam was still military, and Natasha looked out for herself. You weren’t military, and though you were quick to put yourself before others, you were loyal to your friends. 

Steve was working on your moral compass, but he had hope. You’d expressed more than once that you wanted to be a better person. That you wanted to learn how to put a stranger’s safety before your own. It came with Steve’s line of work, and it was a line of work that you wanted to get into.

Fury had said no the moment Steve put your name forward. Everything about you was perfect for the job, but you lacked the morals needed to make it in the team. In fact, they could be considered so bad at times that your friendship with Steve seemed to go against nature. But you wanted to change, and Steve was willing to help with that.

Which is exactly why you’d been the first person he called when he got Bucky under a semblance of control.

He’d moved Bucky into his apartment to keep an eye on him, but he was still an Avenger – he still had obligations outside of Bucky – which meant there were times Bucky was left alone in the apartment for days (sometimes weeks).

He had serious issues with PTSD, and so Steve wanted someone around to keep an eye on him. It had to be someone Steve trusted; someone he knew wouldn’t turn Bucky in if he got out of hand but rather try to talk him down.

Bucky was a stranger to you. A stranger that needed help. A stranger that could be a danger to your life if he went off the rails. 

Bucky needed to learn to trust other people.

You needed to learn to put other people’s safety before your own.

Turning to you had been the logical option.

Steve settled onto the couch beside you and pulled your legs from the coffee table and into his lap. He ran one hand up and down your bare thigh while he massaged your calf with the other and stared at a stain on the carpet. 

“You’re nervous,” you said after a moment of silence. 

“Huh?” He looked at you, giving you a reassuring smile when you cocked a brow at him. “I’m fine, Y/N. I just hate leaving him alone.”

“You’re not leaving him alone. You’re leaving him with me.” Steve gave you another half-hearted smile and turned his eyes back to the stain. “Cut the crap, Rogers. You’re nervous.” You gestured to his hands. “You’re only affectionate with me when you’re nervous.”

“That’s not true.”

He looked at you again and you tilted your head. “Isn’t it?”

“No.” 

You gave him a small smile. “I know what you’re implying, Steve. I’m far from being the girl a Brooklyn kid saint would want.”

He didn’t smile back. “And I’m far from being the Brooklyn kid saint that I was.”

You had no reply for him. Mostly because you’d heard them all before, and no one liked a broken record. This was an old conversation with new wrapping.

Thankfully, Bucky’s sudden entrance through the door meant it wasn’t an old conversation you had to revisit just then. 

“Bucky,” Steve said as he stood suddenly, sending your feet to the ground. In retrospect, he realised he looked like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. It would probably tip Bucky off about his lie.

Steve lied anyway.

“Uh, this is Y/N. The friend I was talking about. Remember I said she needed a place to stay while I was gone?” Steve said. He was babbling. He knew Bucky remembered their conversation. He knew Bucky was expecting company when he got home. He was just awful at lying to Bucky.

He glanced at you, hoping to find some reassurance there (that’s what friends were for, right?). Evidently not. Rather than a thumb’s up and a winning smile, he found you shaking your head with your Steve-Rogers-you’re-a-dipshit look on your face. 

Bucky didn’t say anything. He just closed the door behind him and crossed his arms while Steve all but sweated under his stare. 

Steve scratched at the back of his neck again. “Um …”

You sighed and stood from the couch. You were standing right in front of him, but with the height difference between you and the soldiers, they had no problem seeing each other over the top of your head.

“Steve, honey,” you said sweetly as you patted him on the chest. “You should probably leave now or you’ll be late.”

He looked down at you, mouth agape. “Uh, right. Yeah. Well, call me … if you need anything. I’ll see you when I get back, Bucky. Y/N.” He leaned down to kiss your cheek like he  
always did, but you misjudged and turned your face the wrong way. His lips landed on yours. The two of you stared at each other in horror.

“Uh …” Steve said. “I-I-I didn’t mean to do that. I mean I wasn’t –” 

“Shut up, Steve. You’re making this worse. That’s an awkward moment that we can lock away and forget about.”

“But –”

“I mean it, Steve.” You jabbed your finger into his chest. “Don’t even bring it up when we get drunk. And I swear if Tony somehow finds out, you’ll be eating your own teeth.”  
“Right. Okay. It’s been a pleasure as always. See you both when I get back.” Steve rushed to the exit, picking his bag up from the ground near the door and hoisting it to his shoulder. 

He left with a nervous slam of the door. A second later he poked his head back through and said, “And for the love of god, don’t kill each other.”

Bucky turned to you once the door was closed again. “Is he that bad at lying to you too?” he said.

“Atrocious.” 

He cocked an eyebrow as he took two slow steps towards you. “Really? You’re not even gonna try to cover his ass? You’re a terrible agent.”

“I’m not an agent. And don’t act like you didn’t know what was going on the moment he told you I was staying here.”

Bucky nodded and glanced at the door behind him before looking back at you. “Are you two –”

“No.”

“You don’t know what I was gonna say.”

“You were gonna ask if we were fucking.”

He licked his lips to hide the smirk that curled them. “I wouldn’t have put it quite that way … but, uh, you got me.”

You rolled your eyes with a small smile. “I don’t care what decade you’re from. Guys never change.”

Bucky watched as you turned on your heel and headed to the kitchen. Even if he’d wanted to, he couldn’t stop his eyes from dropping to your ass. “Obviously the women do,” he said to himself. 

“I’ve seen you before,” he said louder. He hadn’t realised it before because he didn’t know your name. But your ass was one he’d checked out before – it was something he  
couldn’t forget.

“Really?” you said as you opened the fridge and bent to look at the bottom shelf.

Bucky bit his lip and fought back an honest-to-god grin as his view got better. Maybe having you as his babysitter wasn’t the most awful thing in the world. He’d planned on ditching you as soon as he could, but once he’d seen you he realised that was probably going to be harder than he hoped – and it wasn’t because he couldn’t do it. 

“Yeah,” he said when you shut the fridge and turned back to him empty handed. “I’ve seen you at Tony’s parties. Steve always drags me along to socialise. I don’t know why he never introduced us.”

“That’s easy,” you said as you walked back over to the couch to stand in front of him. “I was avoiding you. Both of you.”

Bucky frowned and gave you a tentative smile at the same time. “Should I be offended?”

“Oh, I fully intend to offend you while I’m here. But no. You shouldn’t be. It was because of Steve. He was trying to introduce me to you so he could fix us both and turn us into some weird, musketeer trio.” You grimaced.

“Well, um, me I get. But … why is he trying to fix you?” 

“Woah,” you chuckled as you sank back onto the couch and kicked your feet up. “Ease up, turbo. You always get this deep on a first date?”

First date? Right – you were joking. Steve had warned him about that. 

Bucky smiled and sat down next to you as you picked up the remote and turned the TV on. He chanced a glance at you. Yeah, maybe having a babysitter wasn’t so bad after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got more fics at iavengesuperwholock.tumblr.com


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky interrupts your attempt at phone sex with Steve and makes it very clear that if you tease Bucky you have to follow through with it.

“He’s fine, Steve,” you sighed for the fifth time into your mobile. You jumped onto Steve’s bed and leant against his headboard, inspecting the nails of one hand as you listened to Steve move about his temporary room.

“Are you sure? He didn’t have a nightmare last night?” Steve said.

“Yes, I’m sure. He just got blind drunk and passed out. By the way, do you have any idea how much alcohol it takes you guys to get that wasted? A shit ton. That’s how much.”

Steve sighed and you could practically see him running his fingers through his hair. “That’s one of the things I don’t want him doing, Y/N. No more alcohol in the house. And if he goes to a bar you have to go with him and make sure he doesn’t drink.”

You scoffed. “Uh, have you seen the size of the guy? No thanks.”

“Y/N, you remember how you wanted to be a good person? Well, this is one of those things that a good person does. He’s my friend. I don’t care if he gets difficult or violent, you can’t let him drink. Promise me.”

“But the guy could put me in hospital!”

“Promise me, Y/N.”

You rolled your eyes and dropped your hand to your lap. “Fine,” you sighed. “But you’re paying my medical bills.”

“Thank you.”

There was silence over the line for a moment but it wasn’t uncomfortable. Many times Steve had called you when the two of you weren’t spending the day together just so he could keep you on the line for hours while he hung around his house. Some people thought it was weird, but it was just his way of being close to you when you weren’t there. Sometimes he’d face-time you instead and then the two of you would watch the same movie at the same time. Or he’d set his phone on the bench so you could watch him cook and give him tips.

A part of you felt like you were leading him on by letting him do those little things. The kind of things that couples did. But then you’d think about the lewd jokes, sexual propositions and groping that you did with him and realise that letting him do those things wasn’t any worse. 

You’d told him plenty of times that the two of you just weren’t suited for a relationship. You were scared of commitment. And you were scared of not being good enough for America’s golden boy.

And the fact that you tried (on multiple occasions) to have casual sex with him knowing that he could get emotionally hurt when you left the next morning, just confirmed what you already knew. You weren’t a good person. And even though you wanted to be, even though Steve tried to help you be that person, you had serious doubts that it would actually work. Because you knew you weren’t going to end the conversation without trying to have phone sex with him. 

“Are you okay?” Steve asked.

“What?” you said, coming out of the daze of your silent self-pity.

“Are you okay?”

“Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?”

He was silent for a moment and you knew he was shrugging and biting his lip. “I don’t know. I just suddenly got the feeling that you weren’t.”

You let out a short laugh and slid down his bed until your head nestled into his pillows. The shirt you wore – his shirt – rode up your torso. “We weren’t even talking. How could you know that?”

“You didn’t need to say anything. I know you.”

“You’re overthinking it.”

He went silent again and you knew if you let him he’d turn the conversation down a path you didn’t want to walk. So you played your fingers along your stomach and smiled to try and boost your mood.

In your best husky voice, you said, “I’m wearing one of your shirts, you know.”

You heard him drag a hand down his face as he chuckled. “Yeah? Which one?”

“Mm. You want to know the colour of my panties too?”

“Y/N –”

“Or maybe I’m not wearing any.” He let out a sound that was half groan half sigh. You knew he was wondering how far he’d let you take it this time. “If you don’t want to hear it, Captain, just hang up.”

Silence. 

You smiled again and tried not to think about how shitty you’d feel once you hung up. “You want to know which part of you is my favourite, Steve? I mean, everything about you is sexy as hell but you want to know what I love the most? Your hands.” You bit your lip and trailed your fingers down to the waistband of your panties. “I love the way your hands feel on my skin. All those little touches you sneak in. Trying to play it off like you were just brushing past me. We both know you want to run your hands all over my body, Steve.”

He sighed. “God … Y/N – we can’t.”

“No?” you breathed as you slipped a hand beneath your waistband. “You don’t want to know what I’m doing with my hand right now.” You let your breath catch in your throat as a quiet moan fell from your lips. 

Bucky chose that exact moment to open Steve’s door and freeze in the doorway. You were beginning to learn that he had impeccably horrible timing. 

“Bucky!” You sat up and pulled your hands to your sides so quickly that your phone flew to the end of the bed, bounced, and landed on the floor. 

You scrambled after it when you heard Steve’s worried but muffled shouts. Falling to your back on the floor with a grunt, you put the phone back to your ear and panted, “It’s okay. I’m okay. Bucky just walked in is all.”

“Oh. Why did you freak out over that?”

“Steve!” You gestured wildly at Bucky for him to leave as you gave the ceiling an incredulous look. “He literally caught me with my hand down my pants.”

One corner of Bucky’s lips lifted in a small smile as he leaned against the doorframe with folded arms. 

“Wait,” Steve said, “you were actually … you know.”

You threw a hand up in the air. “Well, what the hell did you think I was doing, Steve?”

“I don’t know! I thought you were faking it again and just eating a bowl of popcorn like last time. I can never tell with you.”

“I thought you knew me.” He sighed. “Look, I gotta go. Bucky isn’t leaving and this is getting real awkward with him watching me.”

“Alright. Well, I’ll call you later. Okay?”

“Okay. Love you.” Your eyes widened in horror. “No, wait that’s not what – I didn’t mean to say that – Steve –”

“Too late. No take backs.”

He hung up and you dreaded ever teaching him that phrase. 

With a sigh, you let your phone fall to the ground and rolled your head on the carpet to look at a smiling Bucky. 

“Careful. Your face will split in half,” you said. He said nothing in return as you climbed back to your feet. “I didn’t even know you could smile.”

“I’ll admit. It doesn’t happen often.” He jerked his head to the side. “Come on, pizza’s here.”

When you entered the kitchen, you found that Bucky had set out two plates and cups and opened up the four pizza boxes so you could choose whatever you wanted. You figured he could eat three of them to himself so you were glad he ordered four. 

“I thought you said you guys weren’t ‘fucking’,” Bucky said as he pulled apart a pizza and started piling it onto his plate. 

You stood by and watched him, having been taught (rather harshly and at a young age) that you were meant to let people grab what food they wanted before you. 

“We aren’t,” you said. “It’s … complicated. It’s fun to tease him. He gets all red and flustered.”

He gave you a sidelong look as he sucked sauce off his thumb. You followed the movement with your eyes and knew he wouldn’t miss it. “So that includes getting yourself off then? Wow, teasing has gotten a lot more fun since I was your age.”

“What? – no – that’s not …” You sighed. “It’s complicated.”

He chuckled and put another four slices on his plate. “Sure it is.”

You didn’t like him thinking that you somehow belonged to Steve. It would just make you feel guiltier for turning Steve down if everyone already thought the two of you were together. 

You plastered on your most charming grin and pushed your fingers under the front of Bucky’s shirt so you could play them against his lower abdomen. “You mean to tell me they never had casual sex in the ’40s?”

Quick as a snake, his hand struck out to your shoulder and he pushed you until your back was pressed against the bench and his body was pressed against your front. He placed his metal hand down on the counter top next to you and squeezed your shoulder with the other. You had to lean back just to look at his face as he leaned it towards yours. 

“I’m not Steve. You can’t just tease me and make me blush. I’ll actually expect you to follow through with it,” he growled.

You grinned and your heart kept up it’s pounding rhythm as adrenaline coursed through your body. Survival instincts were the only instincts you had. They were screaming at you to run, but you also had a self-destructive streak that always showed itself around men who were no good. 

“Maybe that’s what I want,” you said, using the same voice you’d used with Steve on the phone.

His eyes dropped to your lips and he bit his own as he leaned closer. “I thought you wanted Steve.”

“You mean I can’t have you both?” 

His eyes flicked to yours in shock and he leaned back a little. You rolled your eyes with a short laugh and pushed him away from you. “See. I can make you blush. Things are a lot different nowadays. I know you’ve been awake the whole time, but something tells me Hydra never let you participate in … extracurricular activities.”

He frowned and let his eyes dart across your face and body. You waggled your eyebrows at him and piled two small slices of pizza onto your plate before heading towards the lounge room.

“Face it, Buck. You can’t handle a 21st-century girl,” you threw over your shoulder. 

You sat down on the couch and stared at your measly meal. You hoped there would be leftovers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got more fics at iavengesuperwholock.tumblr.com


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're talking on the phone with Steve before you go to bed. What started out as friendly fun, turned into the conversation from hell when he makes you talk about your problems. Like why you weren't eating or sleeping around Bucky.

“What? No kiss goodnight?” you said with a sultry smile as you leaned a shoulder against your bedroom door.

Bucky froze with his hand on his own door and looked at you with a raised eyebrow. “Sorry, sweetheart. I’m not Steve.”

You smiled. “So I get an orgasm goodnight? Exciting.”

Bucky sighed and let his hand fall from the door as he turned to you. He shook his head. “How has Steve lived with you being his best friends all this time?”

You gave him an expression of mock thought before saying, “Probably with a constant erection.”

He rolled his eyes but there was no mistaking the smirk on his face. “Goodnight, Y/N.’ He was in is room before you got to voice another witty comeback.

You opened your own door wide and fell onto your bed with a huff, smiling the moment your phone rang and Steve’s face popped up on it. 

“Well hello, handsome. Ringing to wish lil’ ‘ol me goodnight?” you said in answer when you lifted the phone to your ear.

Steve’s chuckle sent shivers down your spine. “Of course.” A pause. “I was worried it was the wrong time to call. It’s still daylight here.”

You hummed as you rolled to your back. “Why would you be worried about that?”

He paused again and you thought you heard him scratch at his face. “I didn’t want to wake you. Wasn’t sure if you were getting enough sleep or not.”  
You felt your guarded, sultry expression falter. Steve wasn’t there to see it but it made you feel better to wear even when you were only talking to him on the phone. It made you feel safe like nothing could touch you. Especially when America’s golden boy steered the conversation towards something you didn’t want to talk about. Something that reminded you of how unsafe you’d felt as a child.

You took a deep breath and forced your lips to stretch into the smile they usually armed themselves with. You even dropped your voice to a huskier note to try to distract Steve.  
“Silly man, why would you think that?” you said.

“Because there’s a new person in the house. Someone you don’t trust,” he replied, not at all taking the bait.

You let a short laugh fall from your lips. It sounded hollow. “Aw, Stevie, are you jealous? You think I’m cuddling up to Barnes every night ‘cause you’re not here?”

“No. I’d prefer it to the alternative. You remember what the alternative was, Y/N? You remember there was a time you couldn’t sleep unless you had me wrapped around you?”

His voice had slowly been losing its softness as the conversation progressed. Now it was his firm, Captain America voice. That alone let you now he meant business. He was going to make you talk about things you didn’t want to talk about. And, like a fool, you wouldn’t hang up because you’d been missing the way his voice sounded all day.

If your parents had taught you anything as a child, it was that you had to put yourself through painful situations to get the love you wanted. You realised in that moment Steve was no different. He would force you to relive a portion of your life you wanted to forget, and in return, he would give you love and affection. He might even stay on the phone with you until you fell asleep from exhaustion if you didn’t fight him at every turn. 

He held his love for ransom and you hated him for it.

“Don’t you have a mission to get back to?” you said in a voice so cold it made you shiver.

“Have you been eating properly?” he said in answer.

You rolled your eyes. Knowing he wasn’t going to drop it anytime soon and you weren’t going to hang up any sooner, you snapped, “Yes.”

“Really? And when was the last time you ate?”

You didn’t answer for the longest time. When Steve said your name in warning, you sat up and ran a hand through your hair as you mumbled, “Yesterday morning.”

He said your name again, except that time it was a sigh and the disappointment in his voice had your heart skipping a beat and your lungs restricting.

“Look, I’ve been really busy, okay? Taking care of a brooding super soldier doesn’t give me a lot of time to myself,” you said in defence.

“No, but you can still eat while you’re with him,” Steve argued.

You paused and debated whether or not to say what was resting on the tip of your tongue. Eventually, you figured Steve would make you say it anyway, so you said it on your terms.

“I can’t, Steve,” you whispered.

In return for your compliance, Steve dropped his voice from commanding officer to soothing lover. Not that he was either of those things to you. “Bucky isn’t going to hurt you for eating whatever and whenever you want, Y/N. He’s not your father.”

“You think I don’t know that?” you snapped as you climbed out of bed and began pacing. His commanding voice had stirred up plenty of submissive emotions. And you’d wished desperately that he’d go back to being sweet and gentle. But the moment he did your chest would swell and you’d realise you felt like a child who’d just been praised by their father for doing a good job. It made you angry. 

You were a walking contradiction and how Steve knew what to do to make you happy baffled you.

“It’s okay,” he said gently. He wasn’t saying it to calm you down. He was saying it to let you know he was okay with you getting angry at him. He was giving you permission to act irrationally. It brought tears to your eyes to know how important it was to have his permission and approval just to feel like your hurricane of emotions were valid. 

You weren’t blind to the fact that it was unhealthy. Just like you weren’t blind to the fact that Steve was enabling the behaviour. Why he did it didn’t matter to you. He could be doing it to control and abuse you and you would still stay his best friend. But that’s what happens to abuse survivors, right? They sought more abuse their entire lives because they felt like the only way they could be loved was to be their victim.

Steve had never hurt you. Never even raised his voice at your or called you horrible things. He’d done the opposite, in fact. He’d lifted you up and made you feel powerful and beautiful. But you’d been in the situation enough times to know that was how they ruined you. They built you up until all your worth was tied to them, and then the moment you did something wrong they took that worth away. 

They took their love away.

Yeah, Steve was America’s golden boy. But you were afraid that one day he might hurt you. And you were ashamed to admit that you would stay with him despite that fear. 

“You just feel anxious to eat around him, right?” Steve said. He didn’t give you a chance to answer. “Look, I’ll call Bucky –”

“No!” You cringed as the word left your mouth – not because you’d yelled, but because you’d talked over the top of him. That didn’t usually frighten you. But Steve had forced you to visit a dark place in your mind and whenever he did that you kept reverting back to the frightened child you’d been. You became scared to do things that you’d grown out of being scared of. 

You waited for Steve to get angry at you but he didn’t. He never did. 

“I’m not going to tell him anything you don’t want him to know,” Steve said gently. “I’m just going to tell him to make sure you eat.”

And because you didn’t want to disappoint him, you let out a meek, “Okay, Steve.” Before he could tell you good night you stopped him. “Wait. I did good, right Steve?” You didn’t let him answer because the pathetic sound of the plea made you cringe. “Do you think … do you think maybe you could stay on the phone to help me go to sleep?”

“Of course,” he said without hesitation. “Oh and, Y/N? Remember last night when you told me you loved me?” His voice was teasing and you knew he was giving you an out. Giving you an opportunity to go back behind your defence line of sarcasm and sexual propositions. You took it and ran.

“Nah,” you said as a small smile curled your lips. “Can’t say I do. I must have been delirious.”

He chuckled and it was like you hadn’t just been desperately fishing for his approval just a few minutes earlier. “Right, of course. Well, just in case you do remember, I want you to know that I love you too.”

The moment your chest swelled in childish happiness you forced it back down with vicious intent. You weren’t ready to process his words. Your emotions were fried and so you didn’t let the confession sink in.

“You’re such a sap,” you laughed. He laughed with you and it made it easier to swallow it all as a joke.

“Just shut up and lie down.”

You did as you were told and put him on loudspeaker so you didn’t have to hold the phone. Then you fell quiet and let him tell you stories about him and Bucky. You knew he chose those stories to help you build trust towards his friend. Whether it would work or not you didn’t know. What you did know was listening to Steve’s voice helped you get the best night’s sleep you’d had since the first night you’d stayed at his house with Bucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got more fics at iavengesuperwholock.tumblr.com


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky and Steve screw up and you make the decision to leave for good.

Bucky peeked his head into your room to make sure you were still asleep as he listened to Steve talk through his mobile. 

"What do you mean I have to feed her?" Bucky grumbled quietly as he watched you turn over. He wasn't ashamed to admit that his eyes traveled the curves that your sheet had fallen off of.

"I didn't say you have to feed her," Steve said. "You just have to make sure she eats." 

Bucky rolled his eyes and leaned against your doorframe. He had just intended to go back out to the living room once he was sure you were asleep but now that he was there he was finding it difficult to turn his eyes away from you. 

You just seemed so peaceful and … innocent when you were sleeping. 

Not to mention restless. And though he loved nothing more than to watch your ass jiggle every time you tossed and turned, Bucky couldn't imagine that you were getting much of a good sleep. 

"I don't understand why you're calling me about this now. She eats. Just like everyone else. What's  
going on, Steve?" 

Steve sighed. "She hasn't eaten in two days, Bucky."

Bucky frowned and counted back. "No ... no that can't be right. I mean … I'm sure she's eating."

"Yeah. She's pretty good at diverting everyone's attention. I'm pretty sure she hasn't been sleeping properly either."

For the first time, Bucky stopped looking at you through a film of superficiality. Your constant flirting and sexual propositions had made him see you as nothing more than a possibly incredible lay and good company. But as he looked at you now - knowing what Steve had just told him - he could see that you looked different from when he first met you. You looked thinner and exhausted. Your eyes were bruised with a lack of sleep. The more he thought about it, the more he realised how sluggish you'd been lately. How he'd only seen you eat a few times (what little food it was) and how you always seemed to be up earlier and later than he was. Even when he woke up in the middle of the night you were still up. 

"Why?" Bucky said. "Why is she acting like this?" 

"I can't tell you that. But you're not the only one who needs a babysitter, Buck. She needs help - just like you. She won't go to a professional and I can't understand her the way you can." 

"Are you telling me she went through what I did?" Bucky said. His metal arm creaked as he clenched his fist.

"Not exactly. She remembers everything. And the people who hurt her were supposed to be the ones that loved her."

"Just tell me what happened, Steve."

The was a moment of silence before Steve finally said, "I can't. I promised her I wouldn’t. Besides, I don't know everything - just enough. Who knows, maybe she'll open up to you. Don't hold your breath, though. She has trouble putting her faith in others."

"She puts her faith in you."

"Yeah. I had to bleed to earn that. And that only opened the door. I have to work every day to keep her trust."

Bucky snorted. "Sounds like a hard woman to love." 

Steve chuckled. "Trust me. She's worth it. You'll figure that out soon enough."

Bucky grinned. "You saying I'm gonna fall in love with your girl?"

There was no smile in Steve's voice as he said what he did next. He sounded soft and … not resigned but more like he'd thought about this more than once and come to a decision that he'd learned to live with. "I'd be surprised if you didn't. By now you should know she's not anyone's girl."

Bucky fell silent. Unsure of what to say or how to comprehend what his best friend was telling him. Why was Steve so sure that Bucky would fall for you? Is that what he wanted? Why didn’t it seem to worry Steve? It was obvious he was head over heels for you too and had been for a long time.

“Anyway,” Steve said, “I gotta go, Buck. Just take care of her, alright?”

“Yeah … yeah, you got it.”

****

You woke to the smell of pancakes and bacon still feeling as tired as you had the night before. You groaned when you heard Bucky bustling about the kitchen, knowing he was probably cooking a big, Asgardian-worthy breakfast. 

Your stomach growled in protest when you realised you’d have to sneak out to find a quiet place in the park to eat a crappy vendor hotdog. Then you’d have to come up with an excuse for not eating all the glorious food Bucky was no doubt setting out.

You sighed and pulled on a pair of dirty shorts and a hoody before grabbing your keys and leaving the room. You didn’t bother with your hair. As much fun as it would be to prance around looking your best just to tease Bucky, you felt like shit. 

Your feet felt like lead as you walked down the hall towards the open living room. Your stomach was all but attacking you from the inside out. The more delicious the smell of food got, the more you hated Bucky. And the more you hated Steve. Because you knew he would have made good on his promise and called Bucky to second he got a chance. Which would just make it that much harder for you to avoid him that morning.

Ducking your head around the corner of the hall, you did a mental fist pump when you saw Bucky’s back turned towards you. You let your eyes take in the plethora of breakfast goodies for only a second before you took off on light feet towards the front door.

“Where are you going?”

You froze with tightly squeezed eyes at the sound of Bucky’s voice. You turned with a bright smile, your hand still raised from where you’d reached out for the door handle.

“Hey, Buck,” you laughed. “Wow. Really can’t get anything past you, huh?” He folded his arms, his face stony as he watched you. “Right, uh, anyway … pleasant as this conversation has been, I got stuff to do, so …” You jerked your thumb over your shoulder and clicked your tongue.

Bucky unfolded his arms and went back to chopping up what looked like bananas. “You’re not going anywhere,” he said. “At least not until you eat something.” 

You pressed your lips together. Damn. Steve must have really laid it on thick. “Uh, that’s okay,” you said, keeping your tone light. “I’m not really that hungry.”

“Really? ‘Cause from what I hear, you haven’t eaten in two days.” 

You let out a nervous chuckle and waved your hand in a dismissive gesture. “Did Steve say that? He’s just over-reacting. He does that.”

“We both know he doesn’t, Y/N. He tells it exactly like it is. And you wanna know how I know something is really up? You haven’t made a dirty joke or asked to sleep with me once since this conversation started.”

“That just makes me sound awful,” you muttered. 

He didn’t hear. “You gonna keep standing there? Or are you gonna come here and eat? ‘Cause I can tell you right now if you walk out that door I will hunt your ass down and force feed you French toast and bacon.”

You rolled your eyes and did as you were told. Which was odd for you. Normally you would do the opposite of what anyone told you to do (it was another big reason why Fury didn’t want you on the team). In fact, the only person that you really listened to was Steve. The moment he gave a command you just felt a pull to follow it. Kind of how you felt now with Bucky commanding you. 

You chalked it up to them being army boys. Not just any army boys, though. They’d both been in commanding positions. 

That must be why you felt the need to follow their orders. It had to be.

You tossed your keys onto the bench and gingerly perched atop one of the stools. 

“Here,” Bucky said, his voice gruff as he pushed a plate towards you. It was filled with bacon, French toast, pancakes and fruit. Your mouth watered. But the moment you felt the urge to bite into a piece of bacon, the anxiety set in. 

Your body tensed and you waited for a punch that said you weren’t allowed to eat. You swallowed and pushed the plate away.

“I told you. I’m not hungry,” you said softly as you avoided his eyes.

Bucky frowned as he watched you curl in on yourself. In seconds you went from being the confident, independent woman he knew to a submissive ball of fluff. 

Instinctually he felt his protective streak flare. And suddenly he knew why Steve was so attached to you. The urge to hold you and protect you from the world was overwhelming. He cleared his throat and tried to mentally shake himself of it.

“What’s wrong?” he said. “Steve just made it sound like you get caught up in your own past and forget to eat. But it’s not that, is it?”

“Would you stop?” you snapped as you finally looked up at him. “I’m just not hungry. What part of that can’t you get through your head.”

“Enough with the crap,” he growled. He picked your plate up and stalked around the counter top towards you. He stopped dead when you scrambled out of your stool and away from him so fast that you knocked the chair down and almost fell. 

He lowered your plate back to the counter and felt his brows furrow as he watched you. You were avoiding his eyes again. Your chest heaved with your panted breaths and you kept flexing your hands to stop them trembling.

“You think I’m going to hurt you,” Bucky said softly. “That’s it, isn’t it? I mean, Steve implied that you had a tough gig like I did. But … I didn’t think you were actually beaten for eating.”

Guilt gnawed at his chest as he watched you swipe angrily at a tear on your cheek.

“I told you to drop it,” you snapped. You swiped your keys from the counter and left without another word. 

****

You sat on a park bench, thankful that no one was around as you felt the tears fall down your face. The image of your father’s scowl kept flashing through your mind and you all but pulled your hair out to stop it. 

Eventually, you did the only thing you could. You called Steve. 

He answered on the second ring and with a sniffle you sobbed out, “Why would you do that to me?”

“Y/N?” Steve said, his voice groggy with sleep. “What’s wrong?”

“You’re what’s wrong,” you cried out. “Bucky too. I can’t believe you made me go through that. He made me feel just like my dad made me feel.” You let out another sob. 

“Y/N,” Steve pleaded. “Please. Listen. I didn’t –”

“No! Stop. Just stop. You promised you would never hurt me the way he did. You promised that I would never have to feel like that again. But you lied! You broke your promise, Steve.”

You sniffed and a fresh wave of tears fell down your cheeks as you pulled your knees up to your chest.

“I’m packing now,” Steve said as you listened to him bustle about his room. “I’m leaving as soon as I can.”

“Don’t bother,” you said, your voice bitter as the urge to sob fell away. “Clint was right. I didn’t need to be fixed. But you just had to try anyway. I’m not Bucky.”

“I know –”

“We’re done.” You sniffed one last time and cleared your throat as you straightened yourself back up. “Yeah, I’m done with this. I’m sure Bucky will be fine but I won’t be there when you get back. Don’t bother contacting me again.”

“Y/N –” 

You hung up, picked a direction and started walking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got more fics at iavengesuperwholock.tumblr.com


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After your falling out with Steve, you go to the only other person who knows you best - Clint. He's more than happy to take up his mantle of overprotective guardian once again.

Clint opened his apartment door before you could knock. He seemed shocked when he saw you huddled on his stoop in an oversized jumper with the hoodie pulled up over your face. You figured he had a right to be. You had a bad habit of not staying in contact with your friends. 

Pushing them away was a game to you. Maybe it was time you started losing. 

You glanced down at the duffel bag Clint had slung over his shoulder and felt relief. If he was going out, that meant you didn’t have to ask him for help just yet. 

“Sorry. I didn’t know you were busy,” you said as you shoved your hands into your jumper pockets. “I’ll come back another time.”

“Nice try,” Clint said. He reached out and pulled you into his home by the front of your jumper. The door slammed shut behind you and the duffel bag hit the floor with a thud. He smiled down at you. “You’re not getting away that easy.”

You didn’t smile back. Your eyes dropped to the floor and you tugged your hood tighter over your head. When you tried to move past him he grabbed your upper arm and pulled you back. 

Without a word, he pushed your hood back from your face and forced you to look up at him. At the sight of your tear-stained cheeks and puffy eyes, his face hardened. 

“I’m going to kill him,” he said. He turned to pace towards his kitchen and you sighed as you pushed the hood the rest of the way off.

“He’s superhuman, Clint.”

Clint spun to look at you and threw his hands up. “Superhuman my ass. He bleeds don't he?” 

You turned your eyes from him and he sighed as he watched your face close off. The anger fell from him. What was the point in getting upset over it? You were home now. 

“You can wear my shirts until we can go get your clothes.”

“I’m sorry,” you said. Though it sounded more like a broken plea than an apology. 

Your face was a blank slate but Clint could hear the pain in your voice. It’s what made him walk back to you and pull you into a tight hug.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” he mumbled into your hair. “I shouldn’t have let you go with him in the first place.”

You swallowed down a fresh wave of tears as he squeezed you tighter into his bear hug. Clint’s fatherly instincts always had a way of making you feel like a child again. 

“You’re not my babysitter, Clint.”

He leaned down and pressed his lips to your forehead. “Maybe not. But I’m the closest thing to family you’ve got. It’s my job to protect you.”

He didn’t let you go until you pulled back with a sniffle. Like a patient dad, he lifted his shirt and wiped your face of tears and dirt before combing your hair back behind your ears and smiling down at you. 

“After you left, I went out and brought a whole bunch of toiletries in case you ever came back like this. They’re in your bathroom.”

A crease appeared between your brows as you looked up at him. “My bathroom?”

He nodded and cupped your face in his hand. “Of course. This is always going to be your home, Y/N. No matter how long you stay away.”

He pressed another kiss to your forehead and brushed past you to pick his duffel bag back up. He turned to look at you with his hand on the door knob. “I’m just heading to the gym for a few hours. You should know, I never took the locks off the inside of your door. You look like you haven’t been sleeping that great so you might want to use them tonight. Oh, and, uh, there’s leftovers in the fridge that I was gonna throw out.”

He left then, and you smiled because he hadn’t demanded that you eat something. Let alone eat in front of him. He’d just said there was food he didn’t want and let you make a decision on what to do with it. 

You couldn’t remember the last time you’d eaten food that quick. 

****

Clint’s anger flared back up when he bumped into Steve in the lobby.

“You got some nerve coming here,” Clint said.

“I didn’t come here for a fight,” Steve said. “I just want to see Y/N.”

“Yeah? Well, if she wanted to see you she wouldn’t have come to me.”

Steve nodded and glanced down at the floor, realising that he wasn’t going to make it past Clint without a fight this time. “Look, Barton –”

“No, you look. I told you to back off, Rogers. I told you to leave her alone. But you had to poke and prod and push her until she snapped. Well, congratulations. You’ve now ruined any chance she ever had of getting better.”

Steve ducked his head in shame. Truth be told he didn’t have much of a defence against Clint’s words. 

“Oh, and Rogers?” Steve looked back up at Clint. “You ever come near her again. You ever try to ‘fix’ her again. You’re gonna have another civil war on your hands. And trust me, you won’t have half the team on your side this time.”

Clint pushed past him and Steve didn’t try to stop him. Because he was right. He’d pushed you too far this time. 

Steve had convinced you to come with him initially because he believed he could help you get past your fears. Doing that was a huge part of being an Avenger.

Clint hadn’t agreed, of course. Having found you at the tender age of 16, a broken, tormented girl with enough martial arts skill to give him a run for his money, Clint had taken you under his wing. Nurtured you to the point of obsession. 

Originally, Clint had been grooming you to become an Avenger. But as the years passed and Fury had more and more problems with your attitude and morals, Clint got too attached. 

Steve had always thought Clint was babying you. Placating your fears rather than helping you fight through them. But maybe there was more to it than Steve knew. 

Maybe he’d been wrong to assume you were still broken.

Maybe some fears were never meant to be conquered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got more fics at iavengesuperwholock.tumblr.com


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky realises that he doesn't want to live in an apartment that doesn't have you in it. With that in mind, he braves Clint's anger and goes to the archer's place to try and bring you home.

It was your eyes that haunted Bucky every night. He’d close his own and see yours – filled with pain and betrayal. 

Shame. 

You weren’t a woman that embraced her weaknesses. Bucky knew what that felt like. 

He knew what it felt like to bury all his nightmares. To hide them from the world. 

He was a hoarder of the worst kind of pain. 

He wished he’d remembered that when he pushed you. Forced you to show him your nightmares. 

The way you looked at him was something he never thought he’d see again. He made a promise to never hurt another person. He broke that promise the day you left him and Steve.

It had been a month since then. Steve hadn’t seen or heard from you. You’d made good on your promise to him. Bucky admired your commitment. He only wished you hadn’t committed to leaving them. 

To leaving him.

With a grimace, he thought about the cliché ‘you don’t know what you have until it’s gone’. He had never related to those words as much as he did after you left. 

When getting you back hadn’t worked, Steve buried himself in his work. Which left Bucky alone in the apartment. 

He’d been on his own before, but he’d never been lonely. Then you came in with a smile that said you were laughing at everyone, and suddenly Bucky couldn’t go through his day without you there.

He missed the lewd comments and sexually deviant propositions. He missed the feel of your fingers as they danced across his back and the teasing smile you would give him when he narrowed his eyes at you. 

He missed you.

You were frustrating and confusing and always had him tied up in knots. He’d never met anyone that was as much of a pain in his ass as you were. 

He’d never met anyone that made Steve so happy. 

You weren’t what Bucky had expected when Steve talked about you. With the light in his friend’s eyes and the smile on his face, Bucky had known – before even the Captain himself knew – that Steve was in love with you.

When he’d gone home to meet you that day, Bucky had expected a nice, girl next door type. The kind of girl that pre-serum Steve had dreamed of marrying. 

He hadn’t expected a hellcat like you. And he hadn’t expected you to scratch your way into his heart.

Was he in love with you? It was too early for Bucky to say. What he did know, was that nights without you around seemed darker. And the days seemed bland. 

He didn’t smile as much without you around. 

Steve wasn’t around much anymore, either. Nor did he smile. He seemed lost. Like he didn’t have a purpose. 

Who would have thought that a woman like you – a complicated, smart-mouthed, hellcat like you – was integral to Captain America’s happiness? 

Bucky hadn’t believed Steve when he said you’d become important to him. He’d been a fool not to. 

Now he stood in front of Clint’s apartment door. His hands shook as he tried to think of what he wanted to say to you. 

The problem was … he had no idea what he wanted to say to you. He didn’t think there was anything. All he knew was his desperation had become too much to deal with. He just wanted to see you again. He wanted you to smile and give him some double entendre that had him rolling his eyes. 

Only this time he wouldn’t roll his eyes. He’d laugh and pull you into him so he could wrap himself around you. 

You wouldn’t be able to run away if he did that. 

Bucky rapped his knuckles against wood. No one came to the door. Maybe he hadn’t knocked hard enough? Maybe you weren’t answering because you didn’t want to risk seeing him or Steve? He remembered seeing a fire escape out the back. Maybe he could climb up and – 

The door opened.

Clint’s shoulders slumped and he sighed at the sight of Bucky. “You’ve got to be kidding me. Steve sent you, right? Listen, man –”

“No,” Bucky said. He cleared his throat and tried to peer over Clint’s shoulder. He couldn’t see you so he looked back down at the scowling archer. “No, I … Steve doesn’t know I’m here.”

Bucky waited for his reply. He’d hoped Clint would let him in after hearing that but the man’s hard stare didn’t falter, nor did his arms fall from the door and door jam. 

“I’d – I’d like to see her,” Bucky said.

“Funny. ‘Cause last I heard you were more interested in fixing her.” 

Bucky’s eyes dropped to his feet. He had a brief, hysterical moment of feeling like a boy coming to pick up his prom date only to be met by the father. Then he lifted his eyes back to Clint and reality set in. 

The reality was much worse. 

“I didn’t know,” Buck said. “I didn’t … I didn’t understand.”

Clint scoffed. “Well, now you do.” Bucky swallowed and twisted his hands together. Clint shook his head. “Look, maybe Steve sent you. Maybe he didn’t. Either way, Y/N is my responsibility. You understand? She’s mine.”

Bucky fought not to take a step back. He didn’t think Clint realised the sudden possessiveness that filled his face. 

“So if you think,” Clint continued, “for one second, that I would ever let her leave with –” He stopped and a shiver racked his body.

Bucky knew before he saw your fingers curl over Clint’s shoulder that the man’s reaction had been because of your touch.

He knew because that was exactly how Bucky felt when you touched him. 

Clint could preach about being your father figure all he wanted but Bucky could see he was as obsessed and enamoured with you as Bucky and Steve were. 

“It’s alright, Clint,” you said with a sparkle in your eye as you came into view.

Clint looked down at you and pressed his lips together.

You looked up at Bucky and he didn’t realise that that’s what he’d been waiting for until his breath caught in his throat and his lips parted. 

“Unless he’s here to force feed me French toast and bacon, I think I’m safe.”

Clint looked back up at Bucky for a moment before he sighed and stepped back to let the larger man in. He went to his room without another word so the two of you could have privacy.

The moment you turned and walked towards the couch, Bucky’s eyes dropped towards your ass. Just like it had so many times before. But now – now that he knew what you could mean to him – he wasn’t just filled with alpha-male, domineering, sexual attraction. Now he found new admiration in the way your hips curved. The way your legs stretched out, and the way your thighs pressed against each other when you moved a certain way. 

You turned and flopped down onto the couch. Your knee bent and rested on the cushion in front of you while the other foot planted itself to the ground. He moved forward when you patted the cushion in front of you and you smiled that small, victorious smile. 

The same smile you always had when you got him to do something. It used to irritate the hell out of him. And then you left and suddenly it was all he wanted to see when he woke up. 

Despite the smile, Bucky was tentative in his actions and words. There was no mistaking the wariness that filled your eyes when he sank down onto the couch next to you. 

You propped your elbow up on the back of the couch and rested your head in your hand as you watched him. 

He looked straight ahead. Looking at you was what he wanted most but he was terrified of making a mistake. What if he said or did the wrong thing? 

You were a runner. And he knew if he pushed too hard you’d run faster than he could keep up. 

Eventually, the silence became too much for Bucky and he couldn’t hold in the very plea that he hadn’t wanted to voice.

“Come home,” he said. He tried to clear the hoarseness out of his throat but it was still scratchy and thick. “Please.”

He was too scared to look and see what your reaction would be. You made him a coward. 

Time stretched out and Bucky’s hands clenched into fists over his knees. The metal of his left arm groaned with the pressure.

“It’s not my home,” you said.

Emboldened by your response he looked at you. 

“It could be,” he said.

The corner of your mouth curled up. “It’s a two-bedroom apartment, Buck. You offering to share?”

He never thought he’d be so elated to hear you talk like that again. 

“Yes,” he said without hesitation. 

You rolled your eyes and sighed. “I’m not going back, Bucky. Not after what happened.”

“It won’t happen again,” he pleaded. 

“Sure it won’t. America’s golden boy is just gonna sit back and watch while I starve myself.”

Bucky’s shoulders slumped. He didn’t know why he thought he could convince you to come back. You were right, Steve loved you too much to ever just sit by and not help carry your baggage. He was too good a man. 

Bucky had never thought anyone could accept him after what he’d done. But Steve did. No questions asked. Even with all the side effects, Steve was patient with him. 

“I’m scared to sleep, you know,” Bucky said. 

He didn’t know why he said it but he felt like he needed too. He knew what it was like to feel alone. To feel like you were going crazy. He didn’t want you to feel like that. And maybe if you knew someone understood how you felt – someone who felt it themselves – you would come home. 

“Hydra brainwashed me to … slaughter. But there was always a part of me that felt wrong when I did it. Like it wasn’t really my body doing those … things. When I was awake it was easy to justify it. To push it to the back of my mind and just do what I was told. But when I went to sleep … I relived those deaths every night. I still do. I remember every name. Every face.” 

Bucky looked at you then. He hadn’t expected any sort of sympathy from you. Not a pat on the back or an apology. You weren’t that kind of person. But he saw the empathy in your eyes, and that was enough for him. 

“I’m not going to let Steve push you too far,” Bucky said. “I will always be on your side. I promise.”

You swallowed and pulled your knee up so you could rest your chin on it. Bucky hoped that you would agree to come home for at least a few days. What he hadn’t expected was for you to tell him your story. 

“My father was a Hydra agent,” you said, your eyes focused on Bucky’s knee. 

Bucky froze. Not because of who your father was but because you’d decided to open up. He was worried that if he even breathed wrong, you’d close back up.

“He was low tier,” you continued, “but he thought if I was a good enough soldier he could rise up the ranks. His training methods were unorthodox. Even by Hydra’s standards.” You scoffed. “If you can believe that. He used to beat me at times and in places that I should have felt safe. Especially if I was eating or sleeping. He even dragged me out of the shower once. He thought it would make me vigilant. Strong. Fearless. But I just got really sick. The stress was too much for a child to cope with. There was no structure. No goal for me to work towards. No praise for a job well done. No signs I could look for to tell me when he was going to hurt me next. Just … just abuse. Every second of my life was spent in crippling anxiety.”

You looked up at Bucky and he gave you the respect you’d given him earlier. He simply showed you empathy over sympathy. He didn’t tell you he was sorry or pat you on the back. He just listened.

“He was the first person I ever killed,” you said. “Clint found me in the streets. Delirious and covered in my father’s blood.” You breathed out a laugh. “That smart-ass, puppy dog saved my life. He still trained me but he gave me structure and praise. He didn’t get angry if I got something wrong. My health and happiness were always his top priority. He tried to help with the mental side effects that my father left but when I made it clear I wasn’t going to therapy he dropped the subject. He wasn’t equipped to deal with that kind of thing. He didn’t want to make it worse.”

Silence filled the room then. It wasn’t uncomfortable but neither of you knew what to say to the other. You shared battle wounds, the kind that no one would understand. Not even Steve.

Bucky believed that simple fact is what made you agree to come home. 

Clint came back out of his room when the chatter had stopped only to almost run into you when you brushed past to your room. 

At first, he’d thought Bucky had done something wrong. He stormed out into the living room, prepared to put up a fight.

Bucky was leaning against the back of the couch with crossed arms when Clint entered.

“She’s coming home with me,” Bucky said when he saw the anger on Clint’s face.

The archer’s shoulders slumped and he felt the anger drain from him at hearing those words.

“I’m sorry,” Bucky said. “I know you want her to stay here. I know she means a lot to you.”

Clint rubbed a hand over his face as he glanced about the room. “Yeah, well, she’s never been one to be tied down. She’ll always have a place here. But if she shows up here again, looking like she did –”

“She won’t. I’ll make sure of it.”

Bucky didn’t know what Clint saw in his face that day. But whatever it was, it was enough for Clint to give you up without a fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got more fics at iavengesuperwholock.tumblr.com


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Walking in on you and Bucky having sex hadn't been on Steve's to-do-list. But neither had your return home.

The last thing Steve expected when he walked through the front door of his apartment was to find his best friend fucking the woman he loved on the kitchen counter.

He’d known it was inevitable. He’d known he would have mixed feelings about it. He just hadn’t known he’d walk in on it. Least of all considering you had been pissed at both him and Bucky for the past month.

If it was any consolation to Steve, Bucky hadn’t expected to be fucking you either. He’d thought about it plenty of times – even thought that it would eventually happen. Much like Steve, he thought he’d have mixed feelings about fucking his best friend’s girl. 

He just hadn’t expected that that would be the day.

When he brought you home from Clint’s, he hadn’t expected to turn around from placing his keys on the kitchen counter to find you wearing nothing but shorts and a bra. Your shirt had been discarded on the floor.

Nor had he expected the vulnerability in your eyes. The hesitancy of your stride as you closed the gap between the two of you. 

It wasn’t until that moment that he realised how unsure of yourself you really were. How much courage it took for you to stand in front of him like that.

He thought maybe that was your way of thanking him for what happened earlier a Clint’s. That maybe it was the only way you knew to show gratitude. 

He sucked in a breath, gathered up as much will power as he could to tell you to stop. To tell you that you didn’t have to do what you were about to. There was no reason to thank him – even if there had been, sex wasn’t what he would have expected of you.

But then you said: “When will Steve be back?” and he realised what you were doing had nothing to do with him at all.

Bucky swallowed and dropped his eyes to the ground. As though you were a magnet, they were drawn right back up to you.

“Ten minutes,” he said. “Maybe less.”

You didn’t say anything. Didn’t nod. Didn’t even acknowledge his answer. But Bucky knew – he could tell in the determined set of your jaw – that Steve’s imminent arrival is what you’d been hoping for. 

It was a knife in his gut but then your bra was on the floor, your hands were on his chest, and he began calculating how much pain he was willing to put himself through just to have you hold him the way he’d been dreaming of. 

Your breath hit his collarbones as you raised up on your toes and leaned into him. That action alone led him to believe that the pain he was willing to suffer was infinite. 

There was only one thing he wasn’t sure of. He didn’t know if he could do this knowing he meant nothing to you. Knowing that you hadn’t thought about him the way he’d thought about you when you’d been gone.

He had to know.

Your nails scraped across his jawline and he dipped his head down so his forehead pressed against yours. His hands found their way to your waist. 

“You’re doing this to get back at Steve,” he said. 

“Does it matter?” you said. His hands tightened around your waist at your answer. He shouldn’t have been surprised. “I want you to touch me, Bucky. Does it matter who I’m doing it for?”

Yes – it would always matter – but that didn’t mean he could stop touching you. It didn’t mean he had enough will power to turn you down. It just meant he’d be ending his night wallowing in self-loathing – knowing that if you asked, he’d do it all over again just to have your scent lingering on his body. 

Your hands dipped down to undo your shorts and he found himself chasing your lips when they brushed against his. You kept moving in then pulling away when he got too close. 

His breath was heavy now but you seemed as calm and controlled as you always did. He slid his hands up over your ribs and rubbed his thumbs against the underside of your breasts. Still, your breath didn’t catch in your throat. 

His voice had become a growl of emotion as he said, “I need to know, did you think about me when you were gone? Did you miss me?”

You may not have been doing this for him but he at least wanted to know if you felt something. 

You wrapped your hand around one of his wrists and guided it down until his hand was nestled inside your shorts.

“Why don’t you tell me how I feel instead?” you said.

The non-answer was another knife in his gut but at least he’d figured out he was willing to do this knowing you didn’t care that it was him. 

Because even though the emotional pain would be too much for him to bear later, at least he would have the memory of your touch to keep him sane. The memory of your breath against his mouth and chin. 

He was going to make you cum, he decided. That was a given anyway but now it was his mission. Even if he didn’t get off himself, even if Steve came home while some part of Bucky was inside you, he was determined to make you cum. 

If he couldn’t have your heart than he was going to take your body. And he was going to make sure you never forgot the way he made you feel. 

Breaking out of your grasp around his wrist, he slid his hand down further until his fingers met your wet folds. 

He finally got to hear your breath hitch. 

“You feel soft,” he murmured as he gathered your slick on his fingers and began a steady and firm rhythm around your clit. 

The sight of your eyes glazing over and your mouth dropping as you clutched at his arms had him wondering if you’d even expected to receive pleasure from the encounter. Or if you’d just intended on a quickie that gave you nothing but the response you were trying to entice from Steve. 

“You’ve always looked soft, prancing around this apartment in Steve’s shirts,” he growled. “Never imagined you could actually feel as good.”

It was your turn to chase his lips with your own. 

He moved his other hand down to grab a handful of your ass and pull you up a little higher as his strokes became firmer. 

Moans began rolling their way out of your mouth and his breathing became heavier. Your mouths were mere millimetres apart but he made sure not to let his lips touch yours as you writhed against him.

He wanted you to want it. He wanted you to want it enough that you forced his mouth down onto yours with a whine. 

If you were going to use him then he sure as hell was going to make you beg for it. 

You pressed your lips together and hummed in pleasure as you dug your nails into his shoulders and thrust your hips against him.

He didn’t need to hear the words to know what you were asking for.

“Lift your leg around my waist,” he said. 

You obeyed and let out a loud moan as he slipped two fingers inside you. He pressed the palm of his hand against your clit and growled at the sound of his fingers pumping into you. 

“You know, for payback, you seem to really be enjoying this,” he said. 

The words sounded bitter, even to him, but as your face twisted in pleasure and your earlier words echoed in his mind, he couldn’t find it in him to soften his words. 

He pulled his hand from you suddenly. You let out a whine of need but he was too filled with anger and his desire for you to care what you wanted.

What he wanted was to make you feel the shame he was going to feel when you finished. He wanted you to feel guilty for using him but the only way he knew how was to make you beg for your orgasm. Make you want him so bad that you forgot all about your vendetta against Steve.

He yanked your shorts down your legs. It was only then he realised you hadn’t been wearing underwear. But whether or not going commando was something you normally did or something you’d done for Clint was something he couldn’t get out of his mind. 

He couldn’t imagine that you’d walk around without panties to tease Clint of all people. But Bucky was feeling possessive, and even a tad jealous, so in that moment it seemed a plausible reason.

When your shorts hit the floor, he grabbed two, rough handfuls of your ass and used the leverage to hoist you off your feet. Your legs went around his waist as he turned and set you atop the counter. 

He made quick work of his jeans, not bothering to push them further than his ass before he was burying himself inside you.

He moaned against your mouth at the first feel of you but didn’t give himself time to treasure it. He knew if he’d taken even one second, he’d give in to you. 

His arms wrapped around you as he set a punishing pace. He growled at the feel of your nails scraping along his scalp and digging into the back of his neck. 

He made the mistake of looking at your face and almost lost it at the sight of furrowed brows and your bottom lip caught between your teeth. 

“I want you to touch me, Bucky,” you whined. 

“No,” he growled. “And you don’t get to touch yourself either. You don’t cum until I do.”

You whined again and tightened your fingers in his hair as you brought his face to your neck. He obliged your silent request by nipping and kissing his way across your throat. 

You moaned and let your legs fall apart further as your toes curled and Bucky gripped your hips. 

“I did. I missed you,” you all but cried in his ear. 

The confession hadn’t been one you thought you’d spill but you also hadn’t expected him to make you feel the way you did in that moment. 

The words were music to Bucky’s ears. They changed everything. His anger and frustration quickly wilted away and was replaced with the kind of affection he didn’t think he’d ever get to feel for a woman.

“I thought about you every night,” you continued in his ear. “I just wanted to come home and annoy you. I wanted to come home to you, Bucky.”

“Shh, baby girl,” he murmured as he wrapped his arms back around you and changed the rhythm of his thrusts to slow and deep. He pulled back far enough to lock his eyes with yours. “You’re home now. I’m here, okay?”

He slipped his hand down between your bodies and pressed his fingers against your clit. You gasped and twisted your fingers in the front of his shirt.

“I thought –”

“Changed my mind,” he said as he began picking up the pace of his thrusts again. “I want to feel you cum around me, okay? Can you do that for me baby girl?”

You nodded and brought your knees up a little higher to increase the pressure. 

“You’re such a good girl, princess,” he moaned as he felt you tighten around him. 

The praise came naturally to him but he could see in your face that it meant more to you than he may ever know. 

He remembered what you’d said about never receiving any praise as a child. It made sense that praise in a sexual relationship fulfilled some need you’d also had. 

It was something Bucky would never forget. 

“I want you to be a good girl and cum for me now. I know you can, baby girl. I can see in your face that you want to.”

His words were enough to push you over that edge that you’d been clinging to. 

It was at that moment that Steve walked in. 

Your head was thrown back in ecstasy and Bucky was growling against your breasts as he emptied himself inside you. 

Your eyes were closed and Bucky’s back was to him as the two of you leaned against each other and tried to come down from your highs, so neither of you saw Steve right away. 

Then he cleared his throat and the two of you tensed up. 

You gave the Captain a sheepish look but Bucky didn’t even turn before he pulled his shirt off and dressed you in it. Then he helped you slide down from the bench and he couldn’t avoid it anymore.

He looked up at Steve, looking as guilty as you did. 

Your first instinct was to say ‘hi’ but it didn’t seem as though that would go down well. 

“Maybe I should take the couch tonight,” you murmured to Bucky. Steve scoffed. “Right. I’ll, uh, I’ll just go back to Clint’s.”

“Don’t,” Bucky said as he grabbed your hand in his. “Please.”

“Yeah,” Steve said. “Stay. After all, you got what you wanted, right?”

You looked at his stony face. “No. I – I … I really didn’t.”

Bucky’s brow furrowed as he looked down at you. He regretted ever wishing guilt upon you.

“You can stay in my bed,” he told you. “I’ll take the couch.”

You nodded before scurrying out of the room. Bucky had expected more resistance but he figured you’d wanted to get out of the room as fast as possible. Confrontation with Steve was difficult for you. 

Bucky thought it might have something to do with the odd relationship dynamic between you and Steve. As independent as you were, the Captain was still a dominating presence in most aspects of your life.

Bucky imagined you must feel like a child in trouble with their parent just then.

“It’s not her fault,” Bucky said.

Steve scoffed. “I find that hard to believe.”

Bucky nodded. “Okay, yeah. She initiated it. But I agreed and she’s told you plenty of times … if she’d known … she was trying to piss you off, yes, but if she’d known it would hurt you …”

“What? She wouldn’t have done it? She would have respected my feelings? And what about you, Bucky? Where would you have drawn the line?”

Bucky sighed and took a step forward. “Steve … you said –”

“Yeah. I said a lot of things.” Steve shook his head and scrubbed a hand over his mouth. “Guess I’ve only got myself to blame.”

Steve stormed off before Bucky got to say another word. The sound of a door slamming made him jump.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got more fics at iavengesuperwholock.tumblr.com


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With neither you nor Steve being able to sleep after what happened, the two of you hash out the fight with his hand between your thighs.

Steve hadn’t known what he expected when he all but gave Bucky a free pass to do what he wanted with you. What he hadn’t expected was to screw up so bad that Bucky knocked him off the top tier and achieved in a few short months what Steve had spent years chasing after.

Your heart.

Of course, Steve didn’t really believe the two of you were already so in love. But when he had walked in on your tangled bodies atop the kitchen counter, there had been no mistaking the adoration and vulnerability in your eyes when you had looked at Bucky.

Steve had fought tooth and nail in the hopes that one day you would look at him like that. He’d been patient. Done everything that he thought was right.

But maybe that was the problem. 

He thought he knew what was best for you. 

He swooped in and took over your life. Forced you to face personal terrors without even asking if you wanted to battle your demons. 

He just thrust the sword into your hand, pushed you forward and expected everything to work itself out. 

He’d been so blinded by his love and his need to do right by you that he didn’t stop to think about what you wanted. 

Help with your skewed morals is what you’d asked for but he’d given you so much more than that and expected gratitude in return. 

He’d been foolish. 

Unfair. 

You’d been right. 

He was treating you like Bucky, and in doing so, Bucky was the very man he’d pushed you towards. 

 

He’d been so concerned with fixing you that he never bothered to ask if you wanted to be fixed. 

So when he’d walked into his apartment and found you giving Bucky all the things Steve had demanded from you as payment, he’d gotten angry. 

He’d had no right to be. 

Because it wasn’t really anger or hurt that boiled his blood. It was jealousy. 

Not because you’d been intimate with Bucky (that was the only thing he’d been expecting) but rather that you’d looked at him as though he held up your entire world. 

That’s what had really bothered Steve. 

He’d spent years trying to be that person for you, and then, like a typical ‘nice guy’, he’d gotten angry when you wouldn’t let him. 

Now he stood in his living room, in the middle of the night, looking at the sheets on the couch that barely looked slept in. 

He looked up when you came padding down the hall wearing one of his shirts. It warmed Steve’s heart to see that, despite everything, some part of you still felt the need to be wrapped up in his scent. 

He wondered if Bucky had been jealous to see you crawl into bed beside him wearing one of Steve’s shirts. 

He didn’t think so. Bucky wasn’t the type. The man understood that you and Steve had history. He even understood that a part of you would still cling to that history despite your feelings towards Steve at the moment. 

As long as you felt something for Bucky, he wouldn’t feel jealousy at seeing you and Steve together. 

That realisation filled Steve with shame. 

And yet, he couldn’t help but gesture at the couch and say, “It didn’t take him long to crawl back into bed with you. Well, I say back into … you never really made it there in the first place.”

You gave him a hard look and folded your arms. 

Earlier you’d been scared and guilty. You’d always had trouble confronting Steve about anything when he was angry at you. 

Steve hadn’t intended it but over the years, his actions and treatment of you had created a unique relationship between the two of you. 

You depended on him for structure and praise, and well as guidance and punishment when you needed it. He’d become dominant over you in the truest sense of the word.

He’d never before felt like a dominant person in that sense, never felt the need to exert that kind of control over someone. Whether he’d always had those feelings and they’d just been suppressed, he didn’t know. What he did know is that you brought those feelings to life within him in a way no one ever had. 

The need to protect and possess you was at times overwhelming. 

He could see the same feelings in Bucky’s eyes when he looked at you.

He wondered if Clint felt the same. If you were just the kind of woman who naturally brought out the animalistic instincts in every ‘alpha-male’ type man. 

Either way, you weren’t submitting to him now. 

No, Steve could see the fury in your eyes. You’d finally realised you had nothing to be sorry for. Not when he’d given you and Bucky permission to be together. 

“I convinced him to come to bed,” you said. Your voice was soft but there was no mistaking the power behind it. It could bring Steve to his knees. “He doesn’t deserve to feel guilty for what happened. He didn’t do anything wrong.”

Steve swallowed. He wanted to say you were right but every time the words curled around his tongue an image of you with your head thrown back in ecstasy flashed through his mind. 

The echo of Bucky’s name rolling off your tongue on a moan screamed in his ears. 

He wanted that. 

Why wouldn’t you give him that?

“I’m the one who did it to try and annoy you. You weren’t meant to get hurt. You weren’t meant to get angry. You didn’t have the right.”

Steve scoffed. Hearing his own thoughts come out of your mouth didn’t make him any less angry. “Then why’d you look so guilty when I caught you two?”

You breathed out a laugh of disbelief as you stepped further into the room. “I didn’t feel guilty because of you. I felt guilty for Bucky. I felt guilty because you were meant to walk in on us fucking not … not making love. It became something it wasn’t meant to because I underestimated Bucky’s feelings for me. I felt guilty for using him … and by the end of it I didn’t want anyone to see us like that. What was meant to be our moment became a spectacle because I spent more time trying to get back at you for hurting me than I did paying attention to how Bucky felt.”

The explanation was so reasonable and enraging and – and … and you were as bad as one another. 

The only non-guilty party was Bucky. He’d just been unlucky enough to get caught between you and Steve. Because the two of you had been down this road so many times before. The only difference now was, Steve had someone to take his anger out on.

It was unfair on Bucky.

“What do you want, Y/N?” Steve said.

“A glass of –”

“You know that’s not what I mean.”

You sighed through your nose and shook your head again. “Steve –”

“What do you want?”

“I don’t –”

“What. Do. You. Want?”

“Well, what the hell do you want, Steve?” you snapped.

His head snapped back and he looked over your head down the hall. You froze, too – listening for any sign that said you woke Bucky.

None came, so you closed the space between you and Steve, rounding the couch so you could stand directly in front of him. So close you could feel the heat that radiated from him. 

“For years, you’ve been asking me that question,” you said, your hands trembling fists at your sides. “Acting like I’m the only one being vague. But what the hell do you want, Steve? ‘Cause I have no clue. Some days I think you just want to be with me. And others … it’s like all you want to do it fix me. Like you have this idea in your head of who I should be and you’re trying to force me into that mould. So what is it, Steve? What do you want from me?”

His jaw ticked as he stared down at you. You shoved your hands against his chest. 

“Answer me,” you snapped.

“You,” he growled as he stepped closer. You swallowed under the intensity of his gaze. “I want you. It has always been you, Y/N. I have always been in love with … with you.”

You shook your head and Steve’s heart crumpled under the weight of your unshed tears. “No. You don’t have the right to –”

“Shut up,” he growled, just before his lips crashed into yours. 

He didn’t have the right to do or feel a lot of what he had done or felt. But he had every right to confess his feelings to the woman he loved. 

You whimpered at the sudden intimacy but curled your fingers in his shirt and opened your mouth for him when his hands came up to cup your face. 

His mouth devoured every heavy breath and soft sound that rolled off your tongue. Then your bottom lip was caught between his teeth and he was growling as he hoisted you off your feet and fell back onto the couch so you were straddling him. 

You tugged at his shirt, silently asking him to pull it off but he had other plans. When he pulled his shirt off you and saw you weren’t wearing anything underneath, he wondered if you’d done that for Bucky.

For the first time since he’d walked in on the two of you, he didn’t feel jealous. Because now he was going to have what Bucky had. 

You were going to look at him the way you’d looked at Bucky.

That was all he’d ever wanted. 

He slowed himself down as he let his eyes flitter over your naked body. Enough moonlight streamed in through the windows to make you glow before him. 

He had a hysterical thought that you weren’t from this world, then his hand was stroking down between your breasts and he got caught up in the feel of your skin against his. 

He tickled his fingers over your stomach, stopping just before he reached your mound to travel back up over your ribs. 

You sat still as he cupped a breast in his hand and kneaded it with gentle fingers. 

He raised his eyes back to yours, in complete awe of you, shocked to find an all-encompassing vulnerability as you watched his face. 

He realised then that the relationship and power dynamic between the two of you had to transfer over to the bedroom. For all your smart-mouthed independence, you needed the same structure and praise in the bedroom as he gave you in everyday life. 

His voice was soft and sincere as he said, “You’re so beautiful to me. All of you. Just as you are.”

Your body seemed to relax at hearing that, and he wondered, with a guilty conscience, just how much pressure you’d felt to be the person he’d tried to turn you into. 

Your eyes turned soft and in that moment you had never seemed so raw and real to him. The mask was gone. You were in his hands and he got to decide whether to crush you or stroke you. 

He leaned forward, his arms going around your body to stroke against your back and ass as he pulled you into him and pressed kisses across your collarbones. 

You sighed and threaded your fingers through his hair as you pressed your cheek to his head. 

“Tell me to stop,” he said as he trailed his kisses down between your breasts. 

You frowned, closing your eyes and sucking in a breath as he squeezed a hand over your ass.

“What?” you said.

“If you want me to stop, say it. Because if we do this, everything changes. We change. We don’t go back to what we were.”

He lifted his head to press it against yours as he squeezed you to him. He wasn’t going to continue until you said yes.

You cupped his face in your hands and pulled back enough to lock your eyes with his. 

“I think change is exactly what we need,” you said. 

That was all the answer he needed. 

His rough, eagerness came back with a vengeance. Suddenly his grip became bruising and his kisses became love bites as he growled against your skin. 

“We need ground rules,” he said before becoming distracted by your breast. He scraped his teeth along it and sucked your nipple into his mouth with a groan.

Your brows furrowed and your mouth dropped open as pleasure surged straight to your core. 

He moved his mouth down over your stomach, using his grip on your ass to raise you up on your knees against him so he could keep kissing down. 

“Bucky,” he said.

“What about him?” you breathed out as he dipped his tongue into your belly button. 

“You’re good for each other,” he mumbled against your skin as he kissed his way back up to your other breast. “You give each other something that I can’t. Just like I give you things that he can’t.”

You let out a soft moan as his mouth wrapped around your other breast. Your head fell back and your eyes closed.

They didn’t open again until he started trailing kisses up your neck to capture your lips in a searing, heart-wrenching kiss.

His fingers tickled against your stomach again but this time they didn’t stop at your mound. You let out a shuddering moan and closed your eyes as his fingers slipped through your folds and played with the small bundle of nerves near the top.

“Open your eyes,” Steve said. “I’m not done telling you the rules.”

You did as you were told but your lids were hooded as you gripped his forearm and wrist. 

“I’m allowing the two of you to be together but there are conditions,” he said.

You let out a high-pitched moan and rocked your hips against him as he gathered up more of your slick and continued rubbing your clit. 

“What – tell me … the conditions,” you mumbled out as you fought to keep your eyes on him.

“No one is allowed to know that the two of you are together. Everything remains in these walls. The two of you can go out together on secret dates but no one can see either of you being affectionate. As far as the world is concerned, you belong to me, not Bucky. Is that understood?”

You nodded and breathed, “Yes.”

“Yes, what?” he said.

You let out a loud moan as he slid two fingers into you. “Yes, Steve,” you cried. 

“When we go to events concerning the Avenger’s, or any parties or events thrown by our friends you go as my date and they can never know that you and Bucky are together as well. They must all think you’re mine. Because that’s what you are, you’re mine.”

You sucked in a breath and squeezed a hand over his shoulder as he curled his fingers to rub against your g-spot. 

“Lastly,” Steve growled, his breath becoming heavy as you thrust against his fingers, “no more running. I don’t care if we fight – I don’t care how angry or hurt you are – you don’t get to go running back to Clint. You have to stay here and talk to me. You said we needed to change. Communication is where we start.”

You let out another long moan and lifted your other hand so you could push him back against the couch and press your forehead to his.

“You want communication?” you moaned as you rolled your hips faster. “Make me cum, Steve. Please. I want to cum all over your fingers.”

Had he heard those words back in the ’40s, he would have blushed a bright red. Hell, he still might have, except seeing you, lust blown eyes, writhing body, his hand covered in your juices because of what he was doing to you … he simply couldn’t find it in him to be embarrassed. 

Maybe it was because you broke down the stigma of female sexual desire he remembered from the ’40s. 

He found your openness and constant demand to receive – not just give – pleasure to be a far bigger turn on than the modest, inexperienced, meekness of many women from his age. 

Their sexuality had been so repressed that the thought of them asking a man what you had just asked Steve would have sent them into bouts of hysterics separated by moments of complete humiliation. 

“Like this?” Steve growled as he watched your face and moved the thumb of his other hand up to press against your clit. 

Finally, your eyes fell shut as your brow furrowed and your mouth fell open.

“Oh, fuck. Yes. Steve,” you cried out as you pressed your hands against his. 

You face fell into the crook of his neck as your hips jerked against him and your thighs shook. 

Then your body went limp and he withdrew his hands, cradling you gently as you hummed in content against the skin of his neck. 

“How do you feel?” Steve asked as he ran a hand through your hair.

“Tired,” you mumbled. “Couldn’t sleep … before. Now … jus’ wanna sleep.”

“That’s okay. You can go to sleep.” 

He pushed the hair off your face and pressed a kiss to your forehead. 

“Hm, wha’ ‘bout you?” you mumbled.

At first, Steve didn’t know what you were talking about, but then your hands moved to the waistband of his sweats and pushed at it weakly.

He chuckled and caught your hands up in one of his. “Don’t worry about me. Plenty of time for that later.”

You were snoring before he even finished the sentence. He smiled and let his head fall back against the couch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got more fics at iavengesuperwholock.tumblr.com


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been three months since the arrangement between you, Steve and Bucky was struck - it's not the sunshine and rainbows they hoped it would be.

Bucky smiled as he leaned against the doorframe of his bathroom and watched you rinse your mouth of toothpaste. You were only in your underwear. And, for the life of him, Bucky couldn’t think of anything more perfect than seeing you walk around his room like it was your own.

It had been three months since he’d walked in on you curled up in Steve’s arms on the couch. Three months since he’d begrudgingly agreed to his best friend’s terms. 

The last think Bucky wanted was to hide his relationship with you from the world but what was he meant to do? This was the only way he could keep his friendship with Steve and have you as his girl. 

In an attempt to forget you weren’t entirely his, Bucky had avoided taking you out on a date. What was the point when he wasn’t allowed to touch you outside the house? 

You bent over the sink to spit out the water and Bucky grinned at the sight of your ass jutting out towards him. 

He let out a low whistle and said, “Never thought I’d wake up to a sight like that.”

You straightened and smiled when you caught sight of Bucky’s reflection in the mirror. When his eyes swept over you again before landing back on your face, you bit your bottom lip and braced your hands against the sink. 

You spread your legs slightly and looked over your shoulder at him as your arched your back.

“You mean to tell me that Bucky Barnes wasn’t drowning in tail during the ’40s?” you said as you waved your ass at him.

Even as he gave you a lazy grin, Bucky’s heart tightened at the teasing laughter in your eyes. 

It hit him then just how easy you were to fall in love with. After all, he’d been through – all his insecurities and guilt – being with you made him forget who – what – he was. 

You weren’t innocent or pure but you were enough to make him feel clean, and loved, and so far from lonely that he couldn’t even remember what it felt like. 

He didn’t feel alone in the world, anymore. He didn’t feel like no one could possibly understand him. And it was all because he had you.

He pushed off the door frame and moved towards you. His hand smoothed over your ass and he delighted in the shiver that visibly shook you. 

If there was one thing he loved more than the way you made him feel, it was the way he made you feel. 

It had been decades since he’d touched someone without worrying about hurting them – or tainting them. The blood that stained his hands had always made him feel dirty. He’d had an irrational fear that it was somehow contagious. That if he touched someone he would taint everything innocent about them.

But when he touched you … he didn’t feel like he was tainting you. In fact, he felt like you were scrubbing away at the blood on his hands with every stroke of his fingers against your skin. 

He wasn’t frightened of hurting you, either. He could see how much you enjoyed his touch. How much you wanted it. He couldn’t imagine that you would ever feel pain under his hands. 

Even when he was rough with you in bed he never feared going too far. You didn’t make him feel like a monster or a killer. You made him feel safe and loved. You made him feel capable of protecting the woman he cared for.

You made him feel like a man. 

“None of them were you,” he murmured as he ran his metal hand up the length of your back. 

Your head dropped as you pushed your ass back against him. And Bucky couldn’t believe there’d been a time when he hated his metal arm.

How could he hate something that brought you so much pleasure? 

He slid his hand into your hair and grabbed a handful so he could pull your body up against his. You hissed out a breath at the sting but the smile on your face let Bucky know you were okay. 

He reached his other hand around and groped your breast through the bra. You moaned and pushed back into him as he thrust himself against your ass. 

Just as he ducked his head to press his lips to your neck, someone cleared their throat by the bathroom door. 

Bucky sighed as he let go of you so the two of you could look at Steve. 

“Seems like I’m always walking in on you two,” he said, his eyes shining with a stifled smile. 

Bucky wished he could share in his friend’s amusement but the truth of the matter was that Bucky felt bitter. 

The apartment was the only place Bucky was allowed to be affectionate with you. So, when Steve swooped in and disturbed the two of you, Bucky felt like he was stealing extra time with you.

It was an irrational feeling, Bucky knew that, but he wasn’t a rational man when it came to you. 

In the beginning, he was never jealous of you and Steve being together. It seemed natural. But then he saw the way Steve touched and held you out in public. Knowing he wasn’t allowed to do that himself is what festered Bucky’s jealousy.

So, even now, as he watched you go to Steve with a smile and press a kiss to his cheek, Bucky’s chest tightened in anger. This was his time with you. Not Steve’s.

Why did he have to step in and ruin it?

“Tony’s party is tonight,” Steve said as he threaded his fingers through your hair before watching you bustle about Bucky’s room. “You going to be okay with it?”

Bucky scowled when Steve looked back at him. 

“I think I can handle a damn party,” Bucky growled.

Bucky knew it was important for him to hang out with the team but all he really wanted to do was stay home. He wasn’t sure if he could go another night watching you and Steve fawn all over each other while he was stuck on the sidelines wishing he could just hold your hand.

****

Tony’s party came and as the night wore on, Bucky became more and more irritated. He tried mingling with people but by the end, he ended up standing by the bar with a sour look on his face while he watched you and Steve mingle ‘as a couple’. 

The shaking hands and introducing each other as a boyfriend or girlfriend. The talking about how the two of you met. ‘Is it serious?’ ‘When did you two get together?’ 

It was driving Bucky crazy. The conversations were stupid and repetitive and sometimes a little invasive. But damn it, he wanted to be included in them. He wanted some stranger to ask him if he was serious about you.

The answer would be: ‘hell, yeah, I’m serious about that woman’. 

But with Steve and his rules … he would never get that chance. 

By the time all the strangers that Bucky wanted to boast to went home, the team were sitting in the lounge area laughing over … something. He didn’t really care about what. He could only focus on you and Steve and the way you whispered amongst yourselves. 

He was sure the jealousy was so prevalent on his face that everyone could see something was up. He knew Steve could tell at the very least. The soldier kept sneaking worry-filled glances towards his friend.

About the only person that couldn’t tell Bucky was jealous about you and Steve … was you. 

You could see something was up with him – you were the first one to notice, in fact – but you hadn’t thought it could have been jealousy.

Unlike everyone else, you had assumed he was feeling overwhelmed by the party. 

Bucky was grateful for that. Obviously, he didn’t want you worrying about him getting jealous, but he was more grateful for the fact you’d been the only one looking out for his PTSD signs. 

You were the only one making sure he wasn’t becoming overwhelmed with everything.

Bucky watched, in what he was sure looked like awe, as you pulled yourself away from Steve and walked over to curl up next to Bucky on the end of the couch. 

You put your hand on his thigh and gave him a gentle smile as you rubbed your thumb against his jeans. 

Bucky glanced over at Steve, saw his jaw tick, and then looked back down at you.

“What about Steve?” he said.

You rolled your eyes in a playful manner as you leaned into his shoulder. “You’re upset. Steve can sit there with a sour face all he likes but you need me.”

Bucky could hardly believe it was as simple as that. He needed you, so you went to him. 

He’d never before experienced something so pure. 

He must have been silent for too long because you rested your chin against his shoulder and looked up at him.

“Talk to me,” you said as you hugged his metal arm to your body. 

For a moment, he went to slide his hand onto your thigh, but one look at Steve said that would be a very bad idea.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Bucky said.

“Yes, there is,” you said.

He looked back down at you and knew there was no way you were going to let this drop. But he also knew that if he told you what was bugging him, it would cause a fight between the three of you and he could lose you or Steve for good.

Or worse, both.

And as he looked down at your beautiful face, he couldn’t help but think how vulnerable you allowed yourself to be in your most intimate moments with him.

If you trusted him enough to expose those parts of yourself to him … how could he lie to you about something as big as this?

“I hate that I can’t hold you right now,” Bucky said, sparing one last glance to the people around him to make sure they weren’t listening in.

He watched guilt fill your eyes and instantly felt regret at telling you. As much as he didn’t want to lie to you, he also didn’t want you thinking his feelings were your fault. 

“I hate it, too,” you said.

He gripped your thigh in his metal hand, then. Screw what Steve thought. “Then why are you agreeing to this? If he –”

“Stop, Bucky. Please. This is the only way I can have you both.”

His breath hitched at the ease of your submission to Steve’s whims. Bucky wondered just how far the Captain’s dominance stretched over you. He wondered if you were doing things that you didn’t want to do … just because Steve wanted it.

He wondered what that would mean for you and him if Steve suddenly decided he didn’t like sharing anymore. 

And suddenly, the idea that Steve had so much control over your relationship with Bucky – the idea that he could just take away Bucky’s happiness – had his blood boiling.

He was out of his seat before he knew what he was doing and he was punching Steve across the face before he considered the consequences.

He figured Steve must have been brewing up a fight too because in an instant – or so it seemed – the two of them were being pulled apart by Thor, Clint and Tony. 

They were bloodied, beaten and panting. And as Steve broke free of Thor’s hold and went for Bucky again, you jumped in front and held your hands up.

“Stop,” you cried as you pressed your back against Bucky’s front. “Please.” 

Your voice was thick with tears but Bucky knew you wouldn’t let them fall. Not until you were alone.

It used to be that you’d wait until you were alone with him or Steve or both. But Bucky had a sickening feeling that he’d just ruined everything. 

Steve pulled up short and Bucky could see the betrayal in his eyes – he’d taken your defending Bucky as you choosing sides. 

 

Steve’s face hardened. He squared his jaw and said, “The agreement’s off. It’s me or him, Y/N.”

With those final words, Steve left. Bucky didn’t have to see your face to know the humiliation and pain that would be there. He didn’t have to look at you to know how hard you were trying not to cry. 

In fact, all he had to do was see Clint’s face twist in anger as he looked at you to know he fucked up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got more fics at iavengesuperwholock.tumblr.com


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the fight at Tony's party, you and Bucky go straight to Clint's. It's a struggle to get Bucky past the archer and into his apartment, but when you say those three important words, everything changes.

Clint wasn’t surprised to find you at his apartment door when he heard a knock. Especially considering it was the day after the big blowout between Bucky and Steve at Tony’s party. He was surprised to find a sheepish Bucky standing behind you with a packed bag.

You gave Clint a tentative smile. “Sorry,” you said. 

“You don’t ever apologise to me,” he replied as he stepped to the side to let you in. 

When Bucky tried to follow, Clint stepped between the two of you, trapping the soldier at the threshold. 

“You on the other hand …”

“Clint,” you said as you turned back. He continued to stare down Bucky who gave you a helpless look.

There wasn’t a doubt in anyone’s mind that if Bucky really wanted to walk through that door, he could. But he was being respectful. Clint mattered to you, the last thing Bucky wanted was to piss the guy off and invade his home. 

You moved forward and wrapped your hands around Clint’s arm. He looked down at you.

“Please,” you said. “He didn’t do anything wrong.”

“He started the fight, Y/N,” Clint said. 

“For good reason.”

“Which was?” You pressed your lips together and glanced at Bucky. Clint scoffed. “Of course.”

Bucky took a step back into the hall. “I think I’ll just find a motel.”

“Sounds good,” Clint said as he began closing the door. 

“No. Wait.” You situated yourself between them, one hand holding the door open, the other latching onto Bucky’s wrist. You gave Clint a pleading look. “Please.”

His face was hard. He was tired of seeing you get hurt by Bucky and Steve. As far as he was concerned, they were bad news. They were bad for you. 

You felt desperate. You needed Clint because he was always the man you went to when things started going wrong in your life. You looked up to him. But you didn’t have it in you to give up Bucky for that comfort because you needed him as well. And he needed you.

“I love him,” you said. The confession shocked you as much as it shocked Clint and Bucky. But it was true. 

You’d never admitted to loving anyone, not even Clint. The idea of falling in love was alien and terrifying to you. The closest you ever came was with Steve but there were too many conditions that came with it. You never felt comfortable or safe being in love with Steve. 

But then Bucky came along … and falling in love became the simplest thing you’d ever done. It was so far from terrifying that you wondered how you ever thought Steve’s love was all you deserved. Was all there was. 

Bucky was tense behind you. You could feel his repressed energy vibrating through your arm. You thought he might have been holding his breath. 

Clint simply stared at you in shock. 

You nodded, as though deciding right then and there that this was happening. You weren’t backing down from this. You were going to take that leap and just hope you didn’t crash and burn.

“Yeah,” you said, your voice shaky with nerves. “I’m in love with Bucky.”

Neither of them had any words. Clint stepped aside, and you led Bucky in.

****

Your stomach had been churning with anxiety since you said those three words. You and Bucky hadn’t had any alone time since you arrived at Clint’s apartment and the archer had been doing his best to lessen the tension. But as the hours wore on, the tension grew, and you started realising that you’d just made the biggest mistake of your life. 

You and Bucky had only been dating for three months. It was an unorthodox relationship at best. Saying ‘I love you’ at this point was beginning to seem like a terrible idea. You got it in your head that if he loved you back he would have said something by now. 

He grew up in the ’40s, wouldn’t he have said it first if that’s how he felt?

The thoughts ate away at you – hour after hour, minute after minute, second after second. And then night rolled around and you couldn’t take it anymore.

The two of you were getting ready for bed. Bucky was making small talk about the lock on the inside of your door. You knew he was avoiding the elephant in the room. 

And you were taking the bait. 

“I was scared of sleeping,” you said. “Like you. Locking myself in was the only way I could get a solid nine hours.”

He turned to look at you and you almost wished there wasn’t an understanding in his eyes. You almost wished he didn’t get it. That would make the moment so much easier to bear with. 

“Do you need it now?” he said.

You shook your head. “Not if I have you.” The words were tentative. You almost didn’t say them but Clint had always told you it was okay to be vulnerable around the people you loved. What he didn’t tell you was what you were meant to do if they didn’t love you back.

He swallowed and you could see his mind turning over. Thinking about those three words you’d said. 

You tried telling yourself it wasn’t a big deal. People said it all the time nowadays. Sometimes to people they didn’t even love. It was overused. It had lost its meaning. 

But that wasn’t true for you and Bucky. It was a huge deal to say those words to one another. You’d never said them before. And it had been well over 70 years since Bucky had loved anyone. And it had never been this kind of love.

“Look,” Bucky started, “about earlier –”

“Forget it,” you said. 

You felt your eyes burn with tears but you refused to let them fall. The rejection on his tongue was palpable. You couldn’t bear to hear it. You couldn’t bear to hear the man you loved reject you after you’d shown him … everything. Every part of yourself you’d refused to show anyone else. 

He frowned. “Forget it?”

“Yes. It – It’s fine, Bucky. I get it. That was way too soon. And – And what we have is – is – is complicated, and …”

And you were babbling. Spiralling out of control. Panic tightened your chest. 

Bucky strode forward and gripped your shoulders. He shook you slightly until you looked up at him and stopped talking. 

“Hey,” he said. “I spent the last 70 years forgetting every person I ever loved. I’m not about to forget you too.”

You frowned. “But –”

“But nothing. I – I handled that completely wrong earlier. I should have said something. But I was scared it wasn’t real and I’m saying something now. I’m in love with you, Y/N. And I don’t ever want to forget that.”

You cried as he made love to you that night. You cried for everything that had happened to you in your life. You cried for all the love you’d thought you never deserved. You cried for every scrap of validation you’d ever begged for. You cried because you never had to beg Bucky for anything. 

And he kissed away every tear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got more fics at iavengesuperwholock.tumblr.com


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last part of the series, Steve tries to reconcile with you and Bucky.

Bucky groaned as you straightened by the side of the bed. “Come back to bed,” he said as he hooked his fingers around yours.

You chuckled and gave his hand a half-hearted tug. “I’m hungry, Buck.”

He got a tighter grip on your hand and yanked you back down. “So am I,” he grumbled as he rolled you over the top of him to your back. Your laugh was muffled by his lips.

After a moment, he rested his head against yours and laid there, half on top of you. He liked to do that – just lay there and hold you. He said it gave him the chance to remind himself this was real.

You were really lying next to him.

You were really in love with him.

“Would you say yes if I asked you to marry me?” he said.

Your brows shot up and you let out a choked laugh. “Not if that was your proposal.”

He grinned and lifted his head to look down at you. “I’m not proposing. I just … I want to make sure we’re on the same page. That we’re …”

You cupped his jaw in your hand and gave him a soft smile. “Bucky, I want you in my future. If marriage is what it takes to convince you of that … then yes, I’ll marry you.” His lips curled up into a smile and he leant down to kiss you again, but you pressed a hand to his chest. “You have to propose properly, though. I wanna experience that forties charm.”

“Sorry, doll. I don’t have enough goats to trade to Clint for your hand –”

You punched his arm. “You’re such a dick,” you laughed.

****

It had been six months since Steve saw you and Bucky. They seemed like the longest months of his life.

It wasn’t for lack of trying, but the fact of the matter was, most of his time was taken up by the team. Neither you nor Bucky were official members of the team so you kept to yourselves. You didn’t go on missions, and the only team member either of you hung out with was Clint and Nat. Mostly because you were both still staying with Clint.

He missed you both. More than he ever thought he could. It didn’t help when every time he asked Clint about you two he responded with, “They’re doing great. Real happy together. Y/N’s been eating dinner with us and Bucky hasn’t had a night terror in months.”

Steve was happy for you both, he was. All he’d ever wanted was for you both to be happy. Except, he’d always expected to be the one to make you both happy.

And that’s where his problem was. These past six months, he’d realised he needed to stop fighting for credit over your happiness. He just needed to be grateful.

If he wanted to be involved in yours and Bucky’s lives, then he needed to stop trying to control them. He needed to let the two of you find your own way. He needed to support you. Because neither of you needed a leader.

You just needed a friend.

After he came to that realisation, he spent months trying to get in and see you both. But Clint was forever playing the guard dog. Steve had to admire it. He could see Clint cared for you – more than he ever let on – but he hadn’t made the mistake Steve did. He hadn’t forced himself into your life – you chose to let him in.

Finally, Clint got sent away on a mission, and Steve utilised the opportunity and headed straight for the archer’s apartment. Only, he didn’t make it.

When he was a block away, Steve spotted you and Bucky walking down the sidewalk towards him.

You both smiled and talked, not a care in the world. You were tucked under Bucky’s arm, and he had his sleeves pushed up to his elbows, unconcerned with the stares his metal arm drew.

Steve almost turned around and left then. Hearing from Clint was one thing, but when he saw the two of you like that – happy – without him, he thought that maybe choosing each other over him was the best thing they’d ever done.

So, he almost left – almost. Just as he turned, he took one last look at you. He hoped he would see you again, but he was ready to accept he could never have you the way Bucky did. And as he took that last look, your eyes lifted to his and he froze.

Your smile wilted at the corners and he watched your mouth form his name. Bucky’s brow furrowed and he looked in the direction you were staring. His face hardened and he slowed the both of you to a stop in the middle of the sidewalk.

People bustled around the three of you as you stared at each other. Then Bucky leant down and whispered something in your ear. You thought for a moment, then shook your head and began walking towards Steve.

Bucky’s hand slid from your shoulders and reached down to capture your hand in his as he followed you.

“Steve,” you said when you stopped in front of him.

“Hi,” Steve said. He glanced at Bucky and got nothing but a cold stare in return. “Sorry. I – I shouldn’t be here.”

He went to turn away but you stopped him. “Steve, please,” you said. You went to reach out to him but stopped halfway and let your hand drop. You looked so unsure of yourself. Steve hated that he made you feel that way.

“What do you want?” Bucky said, his voice gruff with irritation. Steve didn’t blame him. All he’d ever done was get between you and Bucky.

“I, um … I just …” He looked down at you and figured he had nothing to lose by telling the truth. There was no point beating around the bush like this. “I miss you. Both of you. And … I hate that it’s taken me so long to realise how much of a tool I was. I am so sorry.”

Bucky scoffed, you kept quiet. “Yeah. That’s an understatement. You’ve got a lot to be sorry for, Steve. We’ve been just fine without you. Better, even. I don’t know about you, but the last thing I want is to ruin that.”

It felt like the floor dropped out from under Steve. He expected anger. Even expected you to be snarky about the whole thing. But he didn’t expect Bucky to say he wasn’t wanted anymore while you stared down at your feet.

He could do nothing but watch as Bucky steered you past Steve and kept heading down the sidewalk.

The two of you got a block away before you stopped in your tracks.

“Bucky,” you said as he turned to face you. Your voice was quiet and hesitant. You looked up at him and his face softened. Your apology was visible in your face. He knew what you wanted without a word needing to be said.

He cupped your face in his hands and pressed his lips to your forehead. “I know,” he said. “It’s okay, doll. I miss him too.”

****

Another six months passed and Steve thanked God every day that you stopped Bucky on the sidewalk that day. Because Bucky had been ready to cut his best friend from his life, but you weren’t. And that alone is what convinced Bucky to sit down and talk things out with Steve.

It was three months before the relationship between you three was officially rekindled, but Steve had been more than happy to wait. New rules had been struck – rules where no one was left on the sidelines. The relationship was made public and you faced whatever ridicule happened together.

The three of you were at another of Tony’s parties. The first one since the fight a year ago, and the first one you had all attended as an official couple – trio?

Bucky finally got his wish. He introduced you to every person at that party – even the people you already knew – as his fiancé. Women gushed over the ring he’d proposed with and men patted him on the back in congratulations.

Steve took it well. It was one of the biggest conditions – Bucky was going to marry you, it was Steve’s decision whether or not he’d be a part of it.

Eventually, he realised he loved you too much to let the marriage get in the way. He even offered to be the best man.

People were nosy about the situation at first – some even a little prejudice – but after a while, it became old news. The team treated the three of you like they would any other couple. And when you kiss Bucky from Steve’s lap, none of them bat an eyelash – they just continued on laughing and sharing stories with you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got more fics at iavengesuperwholock.tumblr.com


End file.
